3 Days, 60 miles

This is on Facebook - but I'm plopping it here so I have it someplace else too.

On August 19-21, I walked nearly sixty miles in three days as part of the Susan G. Komen 3-Day event. It’s a fundraiser for the Susan G. Komen foundation, to raise awareness and money for the fight against breast cancer. My aunt was diagnosed with the disease last fall, which led me to register for the walk this year. Sadly, she lost her own fight this summer, but still serves as an inspiration in my life.

August 19

Day 1 followed a 19.7 mile route from the Southwest metro, through downtown Minneapolis, along and over the Mississippi River, to Grand Avenue in St. Paul. I woke up early (4:30, hello nerves!) to shower, and get my stuff together and in the car, and have some breakfast and coffee. Then I woke up my sister, she got ready, we woke up the kids, and drove toward Southdale Center and the start of the course. We had to stop for gas on the way there. And then we arrived, and it was so full of people, and busy, and crazy, and PINK. Everywhere with the pink. I wore green. It made me much easier to see in the crowd.

As a walker, I had to move to the “holding” area for the opening program – so I gave kisses & hugs to my wonderful kids and sister… and got ready for things to start. There was music, and stretching, and more music, and then a motivational “why we’re here” speech, and then 8 survivors walked to the center ring to raise a white flag with the names of loved ones being honored in the walk. Then there was more music, and the walk began. Official start time – 7:30. Time I actually got to start the route – 8 am-ish.

There are 5 pit stops on each route, featuring food, beverages, medical assistance, and bathrooms to help keep all of the walkers happy and healthy. I finished this route, and took a bus back to camp. At camp, volunteers made of up local football and hockey teams helped located my gear bag and my tent site, and put everything together while I swapped hot sweaty shoes for the coolness of soccer slides. Then it was off to the dining tent, the shower truck, the foot & back massage station, the evening camp show, and an early bed time so I could get up and start all over again on Saturday. I stayed at home each night, even though I had a tent - that was more for changing and napping. Sleeping in a bed with my own pillows was the best thing ever. My sister came to camp to pick me up. It was good to see her.

August 20

I woke up with sore and swollen feet, and a congested head. I was sure I was insane, and I was a little bit dreading how hard I knew it would be to put my feet in my shoes, and be willing to walk anywhere. Once the shoes were on, it seemed a little more possible.

The polite description of my day:

Day 2 held a 22.6 mile circular route through Maplewood, St. Paul, Shoreview, along Lake Vadnais, and back to camp. I only made it to Pit Stop 4 on this day – 16.8 miles into the route. My left knee disapproved of a downhill slope, and objected by popping out of alignment. I caught the bus back to camp and made friends with the wonderful sports medicine team in the medical tent. After adjustment and tape, I was ready for the evening’s entertainment and dance party after dinner. Yes, you can walk 36.5 miles and still dance.

The description in my head:

OMG my feet hurt. Is that another blister? I hate these shoes. Who's stupid ass idea was this? Seriously? I've only gone 2 miles? Are you kidding me? Then I saw a dad and a daughter wearing "Sisu" shirts. My feet warmed up. I snuck a cup of coffee. It got better. First pit stop with a potty break -It's a wonderful thing when you can finally pee! And I ran into a friend who's done the walk before and survived. So I didn't catch the bus at the first pit stop. I kept walking. And my sister was going to be at the cheering station at mile 5, and she was waiting so I had to keep going. I made it to lunch, fixed the blisters, called my sister and told her to skip the next cheering station or I'd steal the care and we'd go play hooky at the movies instead. She stayed home, and I kept walking.

For me, Day 2 is still the horribly awful day. It's hard to remember why you're walking. It's hard to remember this is a walk for a lifetime, and not a death march. It's hard to walk when you have a blister named Texas on your right heel, and a blister named California on the left. It's hard to walk when it's hot. And you're tired. And you STILL have 30 miles more before the end comes. Everyone feels this on day 2. (Okay, maybe they don't name their blisters). It's the hard slog of a day.

Day 2 was also the day that I truly came to appreciate the safety crews, and the cheering sections, and the funny signs and reminders posted on the route. I started the day coming into Pit 1 thinking I just wanted to take the bus to lunch, and then to camp, and then go to sleep. Instead of giving up at Mile 3-ish... I made it to mile 16.8 (Pit 4) before I physically couldn't go further without risking greater injury. And I could do that because of the support crews, and the people along the route offering positive words of encouragement, and thanks, and ridiculously funny signs and costumes. I took the bus back to camp after Pit 4, and it was hard to know I didn't finish that day. I've gotten over some of my disappointment since then by recalling that this is a walk for a lifetime - not a death march after all. PS) I still think Dr. Gary and Dr. Steve in the medical tent are heroes!

August 21st.

Day 3 was a 17.6 mile route past the Maplewood Mall, my own town of North St. Paul, and St. Paul through Battle Creek Park, along the river, and up to the state capital. I woke up excited, and ready to go. This day of walking flew by for me. I’m not sure if it was the excitement of having come so far already, the tape on my knees and blisters, or just the sheer energy of everyone involved that we had “only” 17.6 miles to go. My sister and hundreds of other supporters were at cheering stations along the way – and the burst of energy, and joy, and appreciation from everyone along the route made it possible to ignore the sore muscles and aching feet, and just keep going all the way to the closing ceremony.

For more than a week, I've been trying to find the right words for how it feels to come to the end of this walk. I think I don't have them. It's one of the hardest things I've ever done. And then you walk through park entrance where the walk ends... it's lined with survivors, other walkers who've finished, volunteers, safety crew.... and they are all cheering you on - happy and proud of you, thankful for the effort - It's a feeling that defies explanation, but makes me both laugh and cry to remember. You hurt, but you're done. You get a t-shirt that feels too hot to wear, and a pink rose, and the chance to sit and have a snack, and stretch, and reflect. And then everyone gathers together again for the closing ceremony - and I give up even trying to explain that one. 2100 women and men who've just finished this long crazy walk for a single purpose - a world without breast cancer.

This year was my first year walking, and I wasn’t sure what to expect other than a lot of walking, and a lot of pink. Both of those expectations were met. Then they were surpassed by the overwhelming spirit of strength, and fight, and camaraderie among the other women and men that I met. Everyone has a different reason for walking. We walk for those we love. We walk for those we’ve lost. We walk because we can. I can’t cure cancer. But walk 60 miles? I can do that. A world without breast cancer is worth it to me.

Will I do this again? Absolutely. I think I'd be crazy not to.

And then....

I've been away having adventures this summer.

• I walked 60 miles in 3 days. (More or less. Another post on that later.)
  
• I replaced a kitchen sink. (With help. And I'm proud of that!)
  
• I adopted another cat.
  
• I passed the written test and I'll be taking a class to get a motorcycle endorsement for my driver's license.
• I realized that I want to go back to school - possibly for engineering, possibly for technology management, possibly for an MBA. Something that lets me think and do and act to innovate and make new and better things.
  
• I fell in love. I'm not completely ready to talk about this one yet.

Of those things - the only one that would have happened in my old life is adopting a cat.

Random blatherings

Somehow, it's the middle of July, and I don't know what I've done with the summer. Where did it go? What have I done? Was I having fun doing it?

To pause and reflect....
so far this summer, there was:

• cold, hot, cold, hot
  
• a party at the lake
  
• strep throat
  
• a trip to the American Girl store (Hello, Doll loved by Daughter. Farewell, tiling budget.)
• a funeral
• a sink replacement
• a counter-top refinished
• a canoeing excursion on the Mississippi
• a play at the Great River Shakespeare Festival
• a great guy that I'll continue to see

I'm sure there will be more explanation about some of those things in future posts. The sink replacement in particular is interesting. You know, because plumbing stories are so dramatic.

Anyway - summer is here. I hope I stop sometimes to remember it. I've been busy enjoying it, and that is so good.

The unanswerable question...

...is "Why?"

Why does life come in spurts of insanity interspersed with momentary calms?
Why does my daughter alway seem to get sick with some contagious something the week of her birthday?
Why can't funerals be at more convenient times?
Why do I think scheduling home renovation projects in advance will somehow mean I'll have more control over the timing and process? (re: contagion, birthday, funeral)

Why do I not feel more freaked out over this?

Perhaps I am learning that there is no control in life. It's more like surfing....
calm seas for a time, then the waves come, and sometimes you ride them, and sometimes you wipeout.



I guess I've learned how to surf through life. It's a good thing.

Writer's write

The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say. ~Anaïs Nin

If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it. ~Toni Morrison

Easy reading is damn hard writing. ~Nathaniel Hawthorne

When we see a natural style we are quite amazed and delighted, because we expected to see an author and find a man. ~Blaise Pascal, Pensées, 1670

Every writer I know has trouble writing. ~Joseph Heller

You write to communicate to the hearts and minds of others what's burning inside you. And we edit to let the fire show through the smoke. ~Arthur Polotnik


Sit down, and put down everything that comes into your head and then you're a writer. But an author is one who can judge his own stuff's worth, without pity, and destroy most of it. ~Colette, Casual Chance, 1964

Philosophical

I've been spending a lot of time walking lately - http://the3day.org/goto/minnfinn - and it gives me a great deal of time to think on my feet.

What do I think about? Everything. What I need from the grocery store. How to pay off all of my credit card debt. If it's better to get a bicycle or an American Girl doll for my daughter's birthday. If it's better to do your best or be bested. What causes attraction. Why the passing of time has relative speed. Why the current crop of Republican Presidential hopefuls need to do *something* different. Why can't we get rid of a two-party political system. Why are people hungry when other people are throwing food away. How long will it be before I can add a third bedroom to my house.

I haven't yet solved the world's problems while I walk. But I appreciate having the time to have thoughts again.

The Kitchen Sink

You know that saying "brought everything except the kitchen sink"?

There's a reason that's ironic. It's because the kitchen sink is a pain in the ass to move. I speak from personal experience in this. My charmingly adorable old house has a less than charming and adorable kitchen sink. It's old. It's pitted. It's got serious calcium deposits. It's leaking, and I need to replace it.

The difficulty..... it's a porcelain over cast-iron behemoth of a sink. It's been living there happily for 75 years... you try telling a 75 year old they need to move. And then try lifting cast iron.

As we say in Minnesota - this particular home repair is going to be 'interesting.'

I'll keep you posted.

Owwie things

I've been neglectful of writing. Partly because I'm busy, and I don't have the habit of prioritizing writing yet. Partly because I don't always know what I want to say.

The latest things to say are all "Owwies."

Owwie 1
- because my daughter has really been struggling with schoolwork this last half of the year.

What do you do when a kid struggles with schoolwork? My smart, observant, funny, active, creative child does not like worksheets. They are boring. I get that. I hated busy work in school. But because she doesn't do them, she is falling behind in "speed" for math, and writing. She's not keeping up with her peers, and she's astute and sensitive enough to feel singled out and dumb as a result. Thanks, Ms. Teacher. Nice work. I have ideas to work on with my daughter, to encourage her desire to learn and know... but it is hard to see her hurting and struggling with "busy" work that doesn't encourage her interests or intelligence.

Owwie 2
- because I got an ear infection that hurts like bad swear words.

That's all my whining. It's minor. There's medicine. It will pass.


Owwie 3
- because several people I know have recently been diagnosed with cancer.

I'm really starting to loathe cancer. People I grew up with, who are funny, and smart, and silly, and brave, and wonderful should not have to deal with all the uncertainty, fear, and chemo. If I could have my way - no one would ever get cancer. They would die of old age, having lived a rich, full life and leaving a legacy of love.

Owwie 4
- because in the past month, two young friends of my family have died suddenly.

See above. I know death is a part of living. I believe that there is a God in Heaven, and He has planned our days. It's just hard to say goodbye, and hard to see the sorrow that comes from a sudden passing. Fairness isn't a factor in the equation of time - I know this too.

As far as posts go - this isn't full of my usual optimism and humor. Those things are still in me, but they are under band-aids right now as I recover from some owwies.

Little Heartbreaks

This week... well - nevermind. It was a week, we'll leave it at that.

In this week, I had my children with me on Wednesday because their dad had jury duty. Daughter's blanket got left at day care that evening. If you have kids, and you know about blankies, then you know what a catastrophe that is. By the time she realized where it was, it was too late to go get it. In that night, I learned that hugging your mom is a good substitute for a blanket, but also that having to take your security between homes really makes a child long for the family she remembers - not this "family" that lives in different homes.

In this week, there was a parent's night program at daughter's school. Son sat with his dad and paternal grandparents. We saw each other and waved during the program, and the smile on his face when he saw me was purely joy. Same with daughter when she saw me in the audience. After the performance, I went to give daughter hugs and congratulations. Son, being small, and in the crowd, lost sight of me - and burst into tears because he thought I left without hugging him.

Oh... my heart. I wish I could hold these children close to me forever. I hope that my hugs will always help their heartbreaks.

Sunshine

Hello, sunshine. I'm glad you are here. Please stay, and have fun with springtime. Thank you. That is all.

Full speed

As I begin typing - this is only a half-formed thought...

I think I don't know how to live a "slow" life. I think I am a full-speed kind of person. As much as I often think "Holy crap! I am too busy!"..... when I am not "too busy" then I get bored and dissatisfied with my life.

What I think my real challenge should be is not to slow down, per se... but to make sure the things that keep me busy are true priorities in my life.

In college during a managerial commnunications course - we got an illustrative example of what it means to live according to values and priorities..

Imagine you have a 5 quart jar, and piles of rocks of varying sizes, and then gravel, and then sand. There's enough sand to fill up the entire jar... but when you pick up the sand - it falls through your fingers, and takes great effort to fill the jar. There's enough gravel to fill the jar. It's easier to pick up, and you can fill your jar more quickly - but it still takes time. What if you start with the big rocks? They are substantial... they will quickly fill the jar. There will still be gaps, but you can add in gravel, and sand - and the jar is full.

The jar is your life. The big rocks should be your dearest values and priorities. Fill your life with those things first. It still leaves room for lower priorities... the gravel and the sand, but if those things slip through your fingers - the loss is not substantial to a full life, well lived.

I've been thinking about that a lot these days - that I want a life with substance... that doesn't just slip past without my notice, like sand through my fingers.

Sorrow

Late last week, a girl that I used to baby sit died while giving birth to her first child. Her daughter lived for four days, and now sleeps with her mama.

There aren't adequate words for this depth of sorrow, and the only way to answer it is with hope and faith.

Words that start with "W"

Winter
As I type this - it is April 16th, and there is about an inch and a half of fresh, wet, slushy snow on the ground outside. I tell myself that I'm Minnesotan, and I can handle this, and heh - this kind of winter keeps the less sturdy and reliable out of this state. But inside, I am thinking "It's been snowing since November. I should move to Texas. They have grass and flowers in April."
In my nearly 4 decades of life, I can remember only 2 winters this long and disgusting.... and in neither of those winters was I solely responsible for snow removal. It does get old. I am hoping my budget next year can support hiring someone to do it for me.

Water
Also as I type this, I have water in my basement, still. My house is old, it doesn't have a sump pump, and I'm two blocks away from a lake. The snow melt has raised the water table, and I'm getting seepage up through the floor. I was moderately heartbroken to realize that in order to make my basement a finished, livable area, I will need to invest some serious money into keeping it dry. And even if I can accept some dampness and leave it unfinished - I still need a sump pump.

Whine
So there's my whining for this month. Spring needs to get here, before I start hating snow forever and to help some of the water evaporate so I can assess my basement and at least re-seal the concrete.

Oh poop!

Recently, my daughter went to the Science Museum with a friend from school on a Saturday. She was thrilled and excited to be having her first play date. I was excited and a little nervous both. I needn't have worried. She had a great time playing on the musical stairs, and seeing dinosaur bones. She was bored and a little freaked out by the presentation about King Tut.

My favorite part? She came home with a rainstick, fossilized dinosaur poop, and a pretty coin purse in which to store her treasure.

Oh daughter - I love you.

The difficulty of love.

A lot of my meditation and devotional time lately has been focused on love. I've had more than one conversation about love being a hard thing to live, and a hard thing to let yourself feel.
But as I meditate and read, what has struck me most is this - it is NOT hard to love. It is not hard to feel love for another person.

I look at my children, and it's an overwhelming thing at times - seeing them grow and being amazed at the people they are becoming, and feeling responsible to help them grow into their strong own selves. What a gift they are. Loving them is easy even though the WORK involved in seeing them to adulthood will not always be fun. (I am actively suppressing the memory of a lap full of cold cereal this past week.)

I see my parents - the love they have for each other, the love they have for their children, grandchildren, and extended family and friends. I know I love them too - and that love has changed over time as I've grown and matured. That love has been a constant of my life - giving me the strength and resilience I didn't know I'd need.

So why do we think it is hard to love? It's an inherent desire of humans to love, and to seek love, and to be loved.

It's hard because we don't always think we are worth loving. Because it is hard to love someone who hurts you without thinking. It is hard to let someone else love you when you feel like the meanest, most awful person on the planet. It is hard to let yourself be vulnerable enough and open enough to be hurt. So we want love, but we don't always want to do the work within ourselves to let love be easy.

We sublimate, pushing that desire for love into things like hobbies, or employment, or food, or sleep, or sex, or drugs. Trying to justify it to ourselves, or make it look good for other people. It is easier to think you are doing something that will make it easier for someone to love you because you're good at work, or good at sewing, or you work out everyday.

Love is not hard. Letting people love you for your true self is what is hard - because it demands that you be your true self. None of this is new thought. Other people have said it more eloquently. It's just wisdom that I am learning slowly to get better at being my true self.

Habits

I am out of the habit of writing.
I am out of the habit of taking care of myself.

I think sometimes there are too many things that I keep in myself - and I don't like that habit.

Also, I am beseiged by germs at the moment, and I don't like how maudlin and tired it makes my thoughts.

Goodnight blog. We'll try this again tomorrow.

Adventures in January

So... how about that January?

Yep. How about it.

Dates with two different guys. I'll just call those "practice" and leave discussion and rehashing for elsewhere.

Finally have an agreement in place, and should be able to file uncontested paperwork with the court. At this point, it's a foregone conclusion in my head and heart, and these small details are just formalities.

Also this month, registered for the Twin Cities 3 Day walk for the Susan G. Komen foundation. 60 miles in 3 days. I'm nervous but mostly excited. I've done harder things than train for an endurance walk - and I expect that I will want to die at least twice before I finish. But it won't kill me... it will make me stronger.

Watch out world.... it's going to be a great year.

Memorable

Saturday, January 8, 2011 - memorable for both lunch and dinner.

Jumpy

This week, I learned that I love tap dancing enough to also do core strengthening exercises to get better at dancing. Yes.. that's right..... I'm doing situps and planks, and lunges, and things that make my muscles protest because I want to be better at a jump step that I can't get to sound right otherwise.

I might be crazy. Sheesh.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Once upon a time, I was a teenager. When you are a teenager, it seems as though you must decide what you will be when you grow up. How else will you choose the right college, with the right degree programs? How else will you realize your dream of being ....... something. You know, a grown-up who doesn't have a curfew, and can stay up until 2 am, and has an awesome car and doesn't have to do the dishes on chore night? Because all of your potential future happiness depends on knowing those things, and getting the right answer.

Heh. Teenagers.

I'm a grown-up. Okay, close enough to one. It's that time of year at work where one of the activities is "Goal Setting" where the professional version of me has a chance to write down what I think my personal professional goals are for the year. Guess what? I have no idea - and I'm okay with this. What I'm doing now is nothing like my first guess at a career path - Industrial Design! Which still interests me, but I know my strengths and best skills are elsewhere. It's not even my second career choice - Chemical Engineer! (Honestly, I would hate this.) And it's tangential to my degree - Technical Communications, which, honestly - can cover any industry or field related to science or technology.

What do I want to do this year? Exactly what I am doing - learning, writing, working to create new technology and help others to adopt and learn that it's not scary. I want to challenge myself. I want to grow - so that in another 20 years, I can say again "Wow - this isn't where I expected I'd be, but I love it!"

That's what I want to be when I grow up.... in love with my life.

Can it be spring now?

This is a complaining post. I usually try to avoid them, but.......

So just stop reading if you'd rather read about rainbows and unicorns and sunshines.


I'm cold. I think I've been cold since October. Old houses are charming. Old drafty windows are not. I want new windows! I want it to be spring, with rainbows! And sunshines! (Unicorns optional)

Mostly, I just don't want to shiver myself to sleep, or have to shovel the driveway one more freaking time this winter.

Okay - sending myself to bed now. Enough with the complaining. It's only a temporary salve.

I hereby resolve....

At times, I wonder what is the purpose of a resolution? If you have resolved yourself to something, isn't it just one of the priorities of your life? And why do you need to declare it?
Would it be easier to to call them priorities? I think so - you can't guilt yourself over priorities. People compliment you for getting them straight, and if you don't accomplish something of a lower priority, because a higher priority thing needed doing - there's no guilt in that.

So this year - I prioritize. I don't resolve.
This year,

• my personal health will be a priority for me. I will make and keep regular appointments with my doctor and dentist. I do that for my kids, and to be a good example, I should do that for myself too.
• communicating with those I love will be more important, and getting back into the habit of sending letters is something I hope to accomplish.

And that's it. Health and love. Those are my priorities.