The importance of daddies - part 2

Another fact of my life in the recent past is that I'm a divorced parent.  My ex and I co-parent much better than we ever did while married.   Part of the reason for that is the Bill of Rights for Children in a Divorce that a friend who is a trained marriage and family therapist shared with me, and I am sharing again here:

Bill of Rights for Children of Divorce

• I have the right to love and be loved by both of my parents, without guilt, pressure, disapproval or rejection.
  
• I have the right to be protected from my parents' anger.
  
• I have the right to be kept out of the middle of my parents' conflict, including the right not to pick sides, carry messages, or hear complaints about the other parent.
  
• I have the right to have a regular daily and weekly routine, one that is not filled with unpredictable disruptions, chaos, or unpleasant surprises.
  
• I have the right to not have to choose between my parents. It is my right to not be expected to choose with whom I will live. Having to make this kind of choice will always hurt someone, and therefore, me. I have this right even when I am a teenager. I CAN NEVER CHOOSE BETWEEN MY PARENTS.
  
• I have the right not to be responsible for the emotional needs of my parents.
  
• I have the right to know well in advance about any major changes that will affect my life.
  
• I have the right to reasonable financial support from my parents.
  
• I have the right to appropriately express my feelings to my parents and expect that they will listen to me.
  
• I have the right to not be expected to make adult decisions. I have the right to remain a child and not replace a parent in my duties, or to act as an adult companion, personal friend or comforter to my parents.
  
• I have the right to like and love as many people (such as stepparents and relatives) as I want to without guilt and without being made to feel disloyal.
  
• I have the right to a life as close as possible to what I would have had if my parents had stayed married to each other.

The hard realization I had when saying goodbye to my own dad is that can't give my own children that example of a life long love between parents.  It hurts my heart knowing I could not fix my marriage.  Their father wasn't willing to work on it.  He is not a bad man.  He loves his children dearly.  He and I both agreed that our children have to come first, and our disputes with each other have no bearing on the relationship our children have with us as individuals.

It's a compromise where the only people who win are the two kids we brought into the world.  They get equal time with both of us.  I have to miss them. He has to miss them.  But they know we will always be available, we are both capable of caring for them, and we will do our best to keep life on an even keel for them.   

So, no my children won't hear their dad saying he loves me, nor me saying I love him.  They won't know what a lifelong marriage between their parents looks like or how that relationship changes over time.  What I can give them is a chance to have a strong relationship with their own dad, to come to know him as an imperfect human who will always try to do his best for them.   They need that in the world.   As much as I miss them when they aren't with me, I also know they need to have that time.   Daddies are important. I am glad that the circumstances of my divorce didn't mean my kids lost their dad.

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Follow on thoughts:
I didn't share this to make me sound all awesome.  I am not.  It is really hard to co-parent effectively when you are hurting and sad and outraged about the way life turned out.   Where I am now is completely different then where I was when I started out co-parenting.   

I am an imperfect human,  but I am trying to do my best at being a grown-up for my children, and giving them the time they need to just be kids.   I wish the Bill of Rights for Children in a Divorce was required reading for all parents who are separating.  I wish there were more stories of successful co-parenting out there in the world.  I will just do my best to live one of those stories.